Tracy's Story

[Received May 2003]

I was born with ambiguous genitals have never really had the opportunity to discuss it with anyone fully. I currently live in the UK and am at the beginning of seeking medical advice and counselling.

My name is Tracy _____, I am 29 years old, I live in North London. Would love to talk via email if possible with others like me or people who can offer counselling. I am afraid I don't have much information in the way of a clinical diagnosis. I was always raised as a girl but I have no clear idea of my internal organs my genetic make-up. I am now in the process of starting to really sort my life out as far as my condition is concerned. Previously I put effort in all other things first my education, career, in the attempt to ignore it and just pretend to be normal. As far as my medical history goes I will attempt to get the pretty whole story. I know bits of the puzzle from reading and what little my family has divulged. I know now that I have to get a full physical examination to understand my condition as it relates to my physicality and see what my options are.

When I was born, my external genitals were; an enlarged clitoris, no vagina and my bladder was partially formed. I had surgery at birth to create a urinary tract and I believe to remove my gonads. I was assigned as a girl and that is how I have lived my life ever since. My mother who holds the key to allot of this information has never been too forthcoming with it on request. I have had HRT from my teenage years. I was born and I grew up in Barbados (Caribbean) where conditions like mine were virtually unheard of so there was not much support from the medical field. Also the society of the country is very judgemental to anyone that is remotely different, so my mother guarded my condition fiercely, even from me. Therefore allot of my medical history is unknown to me. When I became old enough to really understand the problem it was hard to start digging in the past.

All my life I have always known I was different from other girls but I never knew why. Even as a child I use to hide myself while changing just because I knew if I exposed myself I would be open to ridicule. How I was born is only part of my problem growing up. I developed severe asthma and allopecia (chronic hair loss). I am dyslexic and I have a condition known as Karateconus in both eyes where my cornea grows causing your vision to be blurred as light passes through the eye (ironically the odds of getting that is the same as being born with ambiguous genitals). If I had problems fitting in at school before, there were loads of problems now. When I was 11 I had an operation to make my external genitals more feminine. The operation was unsuccessful and I was left with quite allot of scarring after a year of being in and out of the hospital. Even when I was going through those hideously and painful operations, no one ever sat down and explained anything to me and I was too scared to ask.

Some how I survived high school went to college. At college life got a bit better. I was able to hide my conditions much more easier. Another problem is my parents never really explained the rudiments of sex to me. I learned a bit at school. I knew I was different but I did not know how, so I rented x-rated videos to figure out how normal people did it. It was only when I met a guy at 18 and attempted to have sex with him that I really understood the true extent of the problem. Thankfully, this guy understood and we learned to please each other in other ways.

I left Barbados to go to University in the UK where I have been living for the last eight years. Up until the last three I use to just flirt and fool around with guys, never letting them get too close until I met my last boyfriend who confronted me and did not let me run. Sadly our relationship broke up six months ago and I am absolutely devastated. One of the main contributing factors was that he missed sex how he knew it, and I was never comfortable with my body so he could never be comfortable with it either. Up until now I was certain that I would never have any more surgery but now I am not so sure. When I think of having it, I think of the pain and the humiliation I had has a child, but I would also love to have what other people have. Plus, as always, there is no guarantee it would work and the loss of sensitivity is worth considering (at least know I can have an orgasm).

This marks a turning point for me, openly talking about myself with complete strangers. I have visited many websites within the past months of which yours has been one. I would love to share my experiences with you if you will have me.

In the course of an email dialogue we asked Tracy if she felt her main anatomical issue was vaginal length or the appearnce of her genitals. We offered to refer her to Miss Sarah Creighton (consultant gynaecologist) and Dr. Lih-Mei Liao (consultant clinical psychologist) in London. She replied:

I think now my canal length and width is the main problem. I have been recently reading on the website about the use of dilators and I think that might work. When I had the surgery I was sent away to use the dilators on my own but I stopped. I think it is worth giving a try again to stretch the tissue. The outward appearance however does not look anything like other women. My clitoris is still slightly enlarged and it gets hard when I am aroused and there is quite allot of scaring around the surgery. Hopefully if that works I might only need some cosmetic surgery.

I would love to meet with the gynaecologist and psychologist that you spoke about. At the moment I am waiting for a referral from my GP to see a gynaecologist but I would much rather see a woman and even better a women who is knowledgeable about the condition. All the doctors I saw in the past were male and it brings back bad memories.

I spoke to a women yesterday from the US chapter of your group and it was the best feeling I have had in a very long time. It was like I finally found a sister who understands exactly what I was going through. I think bit by bit I am finally finding the courage to face my condition.