Nina's Story

[Received Mar 2000] 

When I was a child, it seemed as though I was going to be a normal boy. Around 17 or 18 I began to go through physical changes that seem more like a female puberty. I did not develop as a boy at all which threw me into a complete state of confusion since I had three brothers that were enormous in size and very athletically inclined. I was expecting the physical charteristics as my brothers but that was not what I experienced at all.

I always felt female, but coming from a small town, I was so frightened that I just wanted to be "normal" so I could fit in. At the time, I didn't really care which side I was on as long as I could fit in and didn't have to explain anything to anyone. I was not so lucky. I left home and went to a city. I suffered physical attacks as people were always thinking that this was something I was doing to myself and that I was just a pervert.

Eventually after many tears and years, at 23- 24, I went to a doctor and began taking high doses of Methyltesterone, but to no avail, it did not make me look male. I tried that course of treatment because I was just wanting an easy way out, something quick and I thought easy, so I wouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. I had never heard of AIS back in the late 70s.

Three and a half years later I completely abandoned that course of treatment as I accomplished nothing. No muscle mass, no upperbody strength, etc. Six months later I began estrogen therapy, and at last, something worked that made me look "normal" and matched my mental gender identity at the same time.

I have married a wonderful man and blend in well with the mainstream of society, yet I have physical problems and have recurring infections and virtually live on antibiotics. I am so upset sometimes over it that I have anxiety attacks because I know I can't keep this up forever. I am seeing a specialist for infections and just take it a day at a time.

I went to a genetics lab a couple of years ago to find out why something so terrible could happen to me after years of being told by my family that I was going to hell for my sinful ways as though this was something I had done to myself (something "perverted", a sick choice). Well, with papers in hand, I was able to show the family it was AIS and that I was not going to hell after all. Come to find out, I have a nephew with a gender problem that they were not going to tell me about, but did since I had papers from experts, I learned the truth about my nephew. I suppose they just wanted me to go on forever believing that I was sick. Now they are taking a closer look at my nephew, so at least I have opened the door so this poor baby won't be subjected to the same ridicule I have been.

I don't know anyone with AIS and have no knowledge of it except what I have just written. I live a very quite life and just forget about it most of the time to not cause embarassment to my husband. It's horrifying how evil or just plain stupid people can be when they don't understand something. My husband has been so kind through the years to me. I just deal with it privately.

I sued someone and the defense attorneys turned it into a transexual situation and the judge through out my case suppressing all evidence and said you have no evidence. I lost the case because of my gender problems. They said I have no rights, because if my rights meant anything to me, I wouldn't have had a sex change. I explained the truth about AIS, but they were so afraid they might mistakenly give a ts [transexual] rights that [they] just threw out the entire case rather than deal with the confusion. I was treated like a freak.

I have tried to get a passport, but they don't know what to do or how to classify me, so they just throw my documents into a file until I can send in material they can comprehend, which means never.