Maggie's Story

[Received June 2001]

This is for the website.

Like most of AIS patients, we have all experienced the trauma of doctor visits and examinations. Interns looking at you like your a freek of nature and all those stupid questions. I am 38, and at the age of 10 or 12 I guess I really learned about my condition, but then they called it "MALE PSEUDOHERMAPHRODITE" and when I was told I cryed all the way home. I felt like I didn't belong, was an outcast and that no man would ever want me. So for 25 years that's how I have lived. Lived in fear of rejection, fear of myself. Always wondering if someone would find out about me and tell others.

I dated a guy who was a special person and I thought that I could open up to him and tell him about myself, but fear took over and I turned him away, leaving him confused wondering what he had done. I couldn't take the chance of rejection, it would hurt too much. So from that point in my life I didn't date again. I had vaginoplasty at the age of 21 hoping that this would change my life somehow, but my fault again, I couldn't give in to my feelings and so I have never had sex. So now I find myself again trying to cope with my situation. I've told a few people about myself and they are very supportive.

I recently was called by a doctor at Johns Hopkins about a follow up study for people with AIS. I was reluctant to even respond but with the support of my family practitioner I went and am glad that I did. This was an experience that I wish had happened years ago, maybe I would have felt differently about myself. The explanation [they gave] of my condition was in my language, not "medical", and I understood what this is about now. I am happier with myself, there are still times that it floods my mind but I feel better and that's what counts.