Liam's Story

[Received May 2011]

Dear AISSG team,

I have just discovered over the internet at the age of 25 I have Partial AIS and Hypospadias

It was amazing, life changing, life affirming when the truth has finally come out. I've been admitted to a physchiatric hospital for psychosis and I'm now in a theraputic community in Scotland called __________ (living between here and _______, Manchester). I've never known that I had a defect at birth and not until I had my psychotic episode did I start to think I was a woman. Since then I've asked my dad (a GP) about it and my mum - but it became obvious that they weren't telling me what was going on; it's only till I typed in my symptoms to a google search did I find out about all the information firstly about hypospadias and then about Partial AIS and CAIS - when I did this 4 hours ago everything clicked into place and the relief of the truth came out. I'm writing to you because I fear that I may never get to meet any other sufferers or come to the meeting annual because of the cloak of deceipt that has been around me since my conscience and because of the lack of trust of those around me: and fear too partly because of psychosis.

I really want to find out whether I can have children and figured after reading the PAIS sufferers quote on your website (PAIS@hotmail.com person) that the possibilities are slim due to the immature nature of the sperm.

In hindsight I can see that I was not me that was different - but it was always the reactions of others to me that was alarming. My second sexual partner at ________ University once chucked me out naked into the street and now I might understand why, my fifth sexual and last sexual partner also at University commented that I didn't last very long in the sack and I now understand the reason was is that my tube leading up my modest penis was open to the surface so a hypospadias operation had to be performed leaving me with no control in my penis over the flow of urine (which in recent months has caused me to have problems with continence). Watching Spiral on TV (where they say a man can last 10 minutes during oral sex - me only lasting 2 minutes) and seeing the size of men's penis' online made me also come to the conclusion. During my psychotic episode a week before and during hospitalisation I started to believe that I was a woman, that there is only a limit amount of oxygen to go around - started holding my breath, thought that another man on the ward was trying to be my partner and believed myself that there is some weird link (weird to me) between a man and a woman. This weird link has continued to influence me the last two years: I have funny tingly sensations in my testicles (the one that was in my abdomen during birth was taken down when I was 12) and they are different around men and women and I feel uncomfortable around men sometimes because I feel they are trying to dominate me and turn me into ther bitch.

I'm concerned about this all because I'm attracted to girls and don't find men attractive, but sometimes find myself in situations where I feel like a woman. Is this normal. I've been complemented for tidying the house and for making a strawberry bed look tidy and for taking no shit - but not for more manly pursuits like harvesting food and being good at football (apart from once by a nice volunteer/co-worker). I've also almost killed 3 healthy rhubarb plants today and only 1/8 of 3.5kg of broad beans I planted grew. Is it because my testosterone levels are not high enough and that I can't produce healthy sperm(?) that I can't look after food crops. I also recently went on a weeding binge - is this also because of my lack of testosterone levels? Also I type quick - is this because of my low testosterone?

I'm also concerned about bone density problems and ostoporensis (whatever that is). I really fear I can't lead a normal life and settle down with a woman and give her kids - but then again I'm happy to have found out all the informtation about AIS and hope all the best for the futures of all with this abnormailty.

I would like to send a cheque to cover the administration costs if you decide to publish any of this testimony, so please can I have your address?

Psychosocial problems is the biggest issue for me currently although I do have company at __________ [therapeutic community] for residents and co-workers and the core team. I don't go to crowded places because of my corrected hypospadias, I dont' go into pubs and try to pull because of this also and because of my PAIS and the way it makes me feel uncertain of my manhood around women - although I find them very attractive and would like a sex life again. It even affects me on a basic level of not being able to shop because of my social anxiety when I have an urgency of needing to piss (incontinence).

Non of the medical professionals have been honest about this, and I would also like to get a full copy of my medical records now that I feel I'm in a position so that it will not affect my mental health so that I can see exactly what went on. I'm really happy with the hypospadias correction operation as this has meant I've had corrected sex, although my life would have been better if my genes would have been ok in the first place. I'm concerned for the wellfare of my sister's genes if she's to have children with her boyfriend.

Yours faithfully,
Liam