Katarina's Story

[Received Jan 2006]

My AIS Story

I'm a 28 years old girl from Croatia and I have lived with the AIS all my live and passed through [a] few stages. Some of them were bad but each crisis I went through made me stronger and stronger, so today I can say I'm a happy person and I can deal with my situation almost normal - I say 'almost' because I think no one is completely fine with it all their lives, no matter what they say. But I see life as a struggle and we have to fight it the best we can.

Growing up...

My life had much in common with all the stories I've read on this website - I lived through a perfectly normal and happy childhood. I had a hernia surgery when I was 3 years old. First trauma began when I was approx. 14 years old and all of my girl-friends were having breasts and their periods. On the contrary, I was flat as a board and for years after I had been ashamed of my body and to dress off my close [clothes?]. Maybe that is the reason why I enjoy my body so much now - every part of it.

Because of the war situation my mother took me to a doctor for the hormone substitution therapy maybe 2-3 years later than I was supposed to go and I felt very unhappy until that time. After my breasts began to grow I was hilarious and my first depression period was slowly ending. I lived through a perfectly nice adolescent period with lots of parties and surrounded with good friends. Occasionally I had boyfriends, most of them nice kissers, but nothing long-lasting.

On my first year of college I found out from my doctor that my period is not coming late but it will never come, as well as I won't be able to have children. Bam - another depression strike me, but not so deep because I already new it subconsciously. Almost all of the time, like most of the girls with AIS I felt I was something special because of my condition. I thought I was suppose to accomplish something special, something different that having children what, I thought, most of my surroundings expected from me some day. That's why I dedicated [myself] to my college (Geography teacher) with all my heart and soul and that's why I fell in love with the Internet back then in 1996 (I'm working in web production today instead [of] as a teacher :) My family helped me to live through all these things - especially my sister - because they are warm and optimistic persons and were always there for me.

Back then I started to realise my condition although I wasn't aware of the existence of a syndrome called AIS. I never had sex, but subconsciously I knew something is not right down there - I was too uncomfortable to check and my ignorant doctor didn't even bother to perform a more thorough exam (I was of course happy to be left alone).

Path to the enlightenment

I found out something was wrong in America where I was working as a student at age 23. I had most beautiful boyfriend looking like Craig David and the first night we were together he couldn't go through. He 'examed' me and said that there was hardly any space for a half of the finger inside. I don't have to mention I had another crisis from which he pulled me out by his sweetness. We had sex without penetration and those few months were generally one of the best times of my life.

After I went back to Croatia I went to my doctor and he said, after examining me and consulting to another colleague, that it's a very difficult situation and I will probably never be able to have sex in my life. He said that there was maybe a plastic surgery that could help me but it's very risky and he'll call me back if he finds out something new. Of course I fell into almost worst depression so far, not being able to get out of the room for a few weeks.

Fortunately my sister took me to an excellent gynaecologist who sent me to another great expert, dr. Miso Strelec who I look as my saviour although he doesn't know about it :). Immediately after examining me he said: "There's no problem, only some dilatation will have to be performed and you'll be able to have a normal sex life." I was hilarious, not because of the sex itself but because of the sex as a part of a normal relationship I was longing to have. I had been afraid that I will have to be alone all my life because of my condition (without having any choice).

Anyway recently I met most beautiful guy and we've been together for few months. Sex was difficult from the beginning because of the dimensions of my vagina and the fact that it's about 7-8 cm long, but people, let's face it, it's all in the head. Therefore I have to say that we have an excellent sex life and all my fears disappeared. I told him about not be able to have children and so far he doesn't mind, although he comes from a patriarchal surroundings and I expect problems in the future. That's the reason why I'm always ready for a worst case scenario - but life is struggle :)

At the end I want to mention a role of this website in my enlightenment process. I discovered it accidentally surfing the net and I was astonished. I was reading it for hours realising there are more women like me which lived through the same things. I would maybe feel easier to be able to communicate to some of the women in the same condition in some forum or chat - it would help me a lot with some dilemmas and questions I have had.

When I look back at my life now I can say that despite all the crisis I enjoy it with full lungs and wouldn't switch place with anyone. And for my condition - I have been trying to find all kinds of explanations - that God meant for me to do something very special in my life, that I did some very bad things in my past life and I'm punished now - but the fact is that it's nobody's fault. Such things simply happen and we have to learn to live with it and to try to find our own happiness - and to help each other in that process...