Challace's Story

[Received May 2001]

I am a 36 year old with CAIS. I live in the US.

I suppose that mine is not any different than any other story. The similarities are there yet so are the differences. We are all different. Yet we are all the same. We are victims. We are survivors. AIS survivors.

I was the first child born to my mother. My mother was a prude I suppose. Never discussing sex, I suppose because she hated it so much. Everything had a name because she couldn’t (wouldn’t) say the proper names of anything sexually related. Sex was dirty. When I started approaching “that time of life” I was given a pamphlet written by the people from Kotex [sanitary towel manufacturer] on what to expect. I found a very thin book on our bookshelf called “The Sanctity of Sex” which very sketchingly told me what to expect in development and sex. The book described the penis as a “finger-like organ which becomes engorged with blood when aroused.” I don’t recall the exact description of the vagina but I do remember I was told I would start growing pubic hair and develop breasts.

I waited and I waited. Thirteen. Fourteen. Breast development at sixteen. No pubic hair. At first this embarrassed me. I would shower with the girls after we played soccer or baseball, at which I excelled, and they would look at me with suspicion. “Do you shave?” I would be asked. I didn’t know what to say. That didn’t stop me from playing sports. I loved sports.

My great aunt never had any children; now I wonder if she wasn’t an AIS victim. Mom wouldn’t even talk about it. No menstrual cycles. No cramps. No pads. I was missing something that other developing girls were going through, yet watching some of them writhe in pain and “whimp out” by not playing sports, I wondered if I wasn’t the lucky one.

From 17 to 19 I grew to 5’ 8” and breasts developed wonderfully, paler arreolae than the other girls I knew, however and still no pubic or under arm hair.

I dated, I’ve always like men. I discovered many men loved the lack of pubic hair. Sex was painful, excruciatingly so.

Along came Dr. Rosmary Bard. I went to see this dear woman to find out what was going on. After careful examination she informed me I had no uterus. I was shocked. She said that if I had wanted to I could have made this discovery myself if I had taken the time to examine myself carefully. Dr. Bard told me about hormones and dilators. She counseled me and told me as much as she could about AIS.

Then I entered a tunnel in my life, which would serve no purpose for this discussion to tell what I did, and allowed to be done to me, during the next 10 years. I am ashamed to even talk about it so I won’t. During the trip through the tunnel I lost Dr. Bard to a drunken driver, making things even worse.

The lost 10 years came to an end when literally on the street, beaten and alone, a young man found me and took me to his house where his mother nursed my wounds and cleaned me up. It was here that I met Jesus. This is not the forum for Christianity, and I won’t beleaguer the point, but that event changed my entire life.

I am happily married now to a wonderful man. I still play softball, go camping, hiking and I even play football. My husband hasn’t figured out yet that I know where his center of gravity is and I can set him on his can whenever we play football with the guys.

I still use my “pacifier”, my pressure dilator 2-3 times a week. I have not needed counseling because of my faith in The Lord and His nearness to me.

We are all prisoners, whether in our bodies or in our minds. We can be free. Work with what you were given. Don’t chastise yourself for how you were born, it’s not your fault. Love your body for what it is, not for what you think it should have been. Be a wife, a lover, a best friend to whom ever has chosen you or, if you are a loner, enjoy the freedom of being yourself. Keep doing what your doctor has said for you to do for yourself. If you aren’t happy with your present doctor or therapist, go to another. Get help. There is help for you. Don’t let AIS hold you prisoner.