Carmel's Story

[Received April 2002]

I am a 45 year old female, who has not been officially diagnosed with AIS, but it is suspected as I have a sister who has been recently diagnosed and is now urging me to see her doctor! My doctor is uninformed and my questions to him have been met with I guess the word would be indifference. We have an appointment tomorrow and I hope to bring him to the light a bit.

At last, there seems to be some REASON why my body is the way it is. I would guess by my reading today, it sounds as if I have Complete AIS. That I can accept I suppose, as I have accepted with quiet desperate resolve throughout my life that I was different from all the girls around me!! My cross to bear is the only way for me to get through some of bad times. On the other hand, I'm blessed with three wonderful adopted girls who I wouldn't otherwise have in my life and I wouldn't change things at all, if I couldn't have them in my life!! The silver lining on my cloud!!

As I write this, I feel quite in shock still about the 'name of the disorder'. Too many mixed emotions, like shock, disbelief, anger, unacceptance. They're coming to me in waves and my mind is racing and my head is pounding!!

I think back to the days when I think my parents must have been lied to, or they just kept truth from me. Not sure, as my Mother has never really let me feel free to express my sometimes negative feelings about my infertility!! She doesn't speak to me at all in fact!! Not quite sure why, but that's the way it is I suppose for her. There was really no support from my family at all when I was told I would never have kids (happened in a cold hospital room one late summer day in my 16th year). Dr. blurted the news to me and walked out. No counseling, no after care, just the bare facts. No diagnosis either, or at least none that was ever told me.

Today is the first time I've heard this term AIS, and I hope at least knowing that will help to ease my grief that has come and gone through my life. Alas, at this point, it has raised more questions for me that need investigating, as I'm getting older now and wonder about the aging process and how it will be for me!!

Thanks for your site. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write as some old, old feelings that I've kept pushed down, are gushing out!!!