Barbara's Story

[Received Jan 2002]

The following is something I wrote when in my 40s, hoping that, by putting words down, I could both push past denial and begin to look more objectively at myself. You may use this in your Website if you wish.

Barbara

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I always felt different, even before I knew.

It’s as if everyone else has lived multiple lives but this is my first time. People I meet seem to know and understand things instinctively that elude and confound me.

When I was told I would never be pregnant -- that my immature reproductive organs had been removed four years before -- it was just one more secret others had been let in on before me. The arrest of my maturity was forever, with no chance of parole. My difference was sealed.

My sister, eleven years older than I, already had four children by the time I found out. My brother, eight years older, had two. My sister would give birth to another child and my brother would have seven total, from two wives.

I was to have none. So what was the grand Presbyterian predestined purpose for me? Astronaut? Religious recluse? Lesbianism? In another era, would I have been naturally selected out of the evolutionary chain before I found out I was the end point of one?

Little difference. I would never have children. No grieving allowed over such an inconsequential thing. But never to have that most normal and natural of female functions was not inconsequential to me. Never to have the cramp signaling the body’s preparation for new life or the flow signaling, “don’t worry, there’s always next time.” Never to feel my breasts as anything other than a bit of extra fat that is prone to cysts. Never to know for sure what a woman’s body feels like when it is touched by a man. Always to rely on purple ovoids of horse urine [Premarin HRT] for any pretense of femininity. Always to wonder if my physical difference was responsible for my mental difference.

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From what I've just read on this Website, I conclude that I am CAIS. And at the age of 52, I can say I hadn't really understood this syndrome until today. Never underestimate the power of denial! I recognized so many things in other stories:

1. Double hernia as a baby.

2. The truth -- for that matter, all information -- completely withheld.

3. At 13, I crowed to my mother that I had gotten my period because I had bled. The following week I was in the hospital having "exploratory surgery." I was told everything was o.k. and not to worry, because my grandmother had not gotten her period until she was 18.

4. At 18, I was told about two-thirds of the truth.

I've been married twice, once for 14 years, once for 6 years. My first husband and I adopted children. At 52, I have begun to live a singles life somewhat like "Sex in the City." I have found that the men I've had relations with love my body and think I'm one of the most beautiful and sexiest women they've ever known. My body responds beautifully to a man's touch and I don't need any artificial lubricants. Two of these men are physicians and seem to have no inkling as to my syndrome. The hairlessness doesn't seem to affect them in the slightest. And I have never had body odor. I really do feel wonderful about myself and only wish I could have had this experience early in my 20s, a time when I was so ashamed and felt so very alone. My message to you: Believe in yourself and go have a wonderful life.