Amanda's Story

[Received Aug 2002]

I am 20 yrs old and found out I had testicular feminization at 16. I remember the exact day I found out. As a child I always had a history of feeling sick. I always wanted to go to the doctor's office, or see the school nurse. I guess I knew in the inside that something was wrong with me. I always had friends but they were usually loner types or the "different" people. I still prefer to hang with loners (although perhaps a contradiction in terms). When I turned 16 I still hadn't had my period and I was worried and I started to truly feel different. I went to see an infertility doctor right away and through him I received many tests. It seemed I was going to the hospital all the time to give blood. After a few months of test after test I also received a gynecological test as well. I was told I had a cone shaped vagina. I was told that due to this I would not be able to have children. He decided after this that I should have an ultrasound done to see about my ovaries and uterus.

It was determined, through this, that I had non functioning ovaries, and an abnormally small uterus. So after that I had my ovaries and uterus removed. One day on the drive home from a visit from the infertility doctor my mom told me the news. She said I had testicular feminization. On one level I had extreme relief that was replaced by a new tormenting fear. Who and what was I? I immediately felt glad I knew what was different about me but was scared because I knew noone else could help me through this and understand. When most girls talked about boys and being upset their hair didn't look right I was worried about whether or not I was some genetic monster.

The next fall I took a science class in high school where my fear was helped by my wonderful biology teacher. Who explained to the whole class that testicular feminization is a freakish thing and where you are born male. So if you are married to someone with this then you are homosexual and went on to explain that also anyone with the chromosomal issue also only had one future and that was to end up in jail because they were insane. [It] Finally ended with these people are everywhere and we have people at this school with it and there are stars that have this too.

I had never before had the feeling of wanting to throw up due to another person's words before but this was the most intense feeling of wanting to well up inside myself and die I had ever had. I now had another question I had to answer for myself and that was can I ever have a purpose on this planet other than just winding up another dead body. After this I kept myself welled up inside and I kept pushing more and more people away. In searching for answers as to how female I was I slept around. No guys seemed to notice/care about my vagina they were just happy they were in, I guess.

After High School I did date a wonderful man that seemed to be right for me. He was smart and funny and I had never felt more "out of my shell before". I felt human. When I did make the decison to tell him about my testicular feminization it was surprisingly easy to do. He didn't seem to care about it and that did bring some peace of mind to me. Then things got hard on him schoolwise and growing up I suppose and I think he felt he was my everything and to a sad extent he was. I have now spent the past year of my life without a relationship and it has been hard and have been in true search to all the answer of my questions. I've been doing it alone and it has been very hard and for those of you who are someone's support with this, or you have someone to support you, God bless you. I don't know if anyone will understand or ever try to with me but I will find the answer. I can't give up.

~Amanda